Charlie Ain’t Cheap
It’s my educated guess that if you run a moderately well known porn site or if you are a relatively well-known porn star it’s inevitable that you will hear from Charlie Sheen and possibly some other male celebrities, politicians or powerful people.
One lovely afternoon in 2005 I received an email from an anonymous person “Hi Matt I am a high-profile celebrity and a big fan of your site please give me a call”. At the time I received lots of email, often from crazy fuckers. Being a little skeptical I emailed back: “Excuse me my good buddy. I get a lot crazy email could you give me at least a hint of who you are?” He replied: “I’m on CBS Monday nights at 9:30pm and I’m going through a very public divorce right now”.
So my girlfriend and I drove to Whole Foods and I dialed the number he gave me from my car in the parking lot. I said “Hello this is Matt”. In a spot-on Charlie Sheen voice the person on the other end replied: “Did you figure out who it is?” “Yeah” I said. He laughed and told me he was a big fan of my work (are you kidding?). Then he asked me: “Is this a hobby for you or what?” I said: “No in 1996 I quit my job and started shooting naked girls and it’s been my full-time job ever since”. In utter amazement he snapped: “That’s in-credible!”
It was kind of a surreal moment for me. I didn’t really pay much attention to Charlie Sheen and I had never watched his show Two and a Half Men. Ironically just in the last 2 weeks my girlfriend and I watched Platoon and then I happened across him on Conan O’Brian. Now I was talking to the same guy on the phone it was bizarre.
He asked me some very specific questions about my shoots. He had obviously not only seen my videos but really paid attention. He wanted to know if Chantelle Fontaine’s masturbation video was really her first time on video. That was the beginning of my funny phone relationship with Charlie. I’d be in the middle of a shoot, my phone would ring: “Matt it’s Charles! What’s up?” and he would give me his colorful and always hilarious opinion about the latest model on my site.
Now I don’t think there’s anybody on the planet who doesn’t know Charlie’s reputation with women so I’m sure it’s no surprise to anybody he wanted to “meet” some of my models. I said “Well that’s not what I do, however I would be happy to introduce you to any of them as long as they are interested in meeting you”.
So Charlie reeled off a list of his favorite Matt’s Models. At one point he stopped and said “Feel free to let me know if I mention your girlfriend”. Funny guy.
He gave me a short list and from that I used my best matchmaking skills to choose one. Ah ha! This girl will do. She was really cool , friendly and somebody who was already having sex on camera for money so I figured she wouldn’t be offended if I told her Charlie Sheen wanted to meet her.
I called her on the phone “Hey, there is this celebrity guy who wants to meet you”. “Who is it?” she eagerly replied. “Charlie sheen” I replied. Without hesitation she excitedly instructs me: “Give him my number!” Okie dokie.
That turned out to be the spark for one of many epiphanies I had in the industry as well as solidifying my already expert opinion of the business I was in.
After I gave Charlie her number I didn’t hear from either of them for a couple weeks. As it turned out I had a voice mail problem and Charlie had left me a message but I didn’t get it. Finally I got Charlie on the phone. He had a long phone conversation with her. They really hit it off. So much in common! What a great chick she was! Cool! They agreed to meet at a hotel.
At the hotel. Charlie arrives. He waits…and waits. She doesn’t show. He calls. No answer. He waits. No phone call; nothing. A no-show.
Charlie said he had been calling her and emailing her with concern asking if she was okay. Did anything happen to her?
I also sent her an email asking how things turned out. No response. “What do you think I should do?” He says (now I have Charlie Sheen asking me for advice on dating porn stars). I told him not to sweat it there’s a million other girls to choose from and in so many words I said dude you’re Charlie Sheen, move on to next on the list.
Then silence for two weeks before all hell broke loose.
Charlie Sheen apparently isn’t used to people dissing him and his anger festered. He sent her an email essentially educating her on his career and star status and told her she was a worthless piece of shit porn star and her parents must be very proud and so forth.
Guess what? Lo and behold she responded! She fired back: “Oh wow I’ve never heard THAT before! You celebrities are all alike! I knew it ! Your big egos! Good riddance!”
I’ll never forget it. That was one of the final nails in the coffin for me as having any respect for many porn girls and summed up the dysfunctional symbiotic working relationships that is the porn industry.
Instead of just politely declining or saying she has a boyfriend or “Matt don’t give him my number” , she chats him up on the phone, agrees to meet for a date and no-shows (She knew his reputation as well as anyone). Frankly that would piss anybody off, not just a celebrity or powerful person. But why waste my time? Charlies time? Why make me look bad? (not that I give a shit ). She was chomping at the bit for me to give him her number. It was like some man hater game to prove a point to WHO? She was fucking on camera for money anyway. Word has it Charlie ain’t cheap. So in the context of her chosen career – Charlie was like the Golden Goose and she purposely baited and deceived him.
I never heard from her again.
I hadn’t talked to Charlie Sheen for almost a decade. A year ago I got his current number from a friend. I texted him to say “Hi” and see if he remembered me.
In about 30 seconds he texted back: “My MAN!”